Today, the day before thanksgiving, I rolled out of bed still smelling of cookies baked last night and a shroud over my entire being. Not feeling the thanks in my Thanksgiving this year. It is indeed frustrating for me who has always been the optimist, the up beat person, the one who is the listening ear for those in troubled times.

Granted I have spent the last 4 months at more doctor's appointments than I would care to discuss with few answers, slow improvement and waring patience. I am not riddled with chronic illness, nor anything terminal which I am grateful for, simply an anomaly that is taking its good old time healing.

My limitations and isolation have lent themselves to watching the world go by and reflecting on my own journey. Successes, failures, Joys, sorrows, a serious reality check on who I am, where I fit in and how I move forward when the doctors all give their stamps of approval to resume my life.

Today, I see the scales tipped. Now, it could be that this people person has been isolated far too long, but then again, the isolation could be a gift to see, very clearly, what my true reality is instead of the picture of what I wish to personify to the world around me. I have yet to determine if this is a gift or a curse.

I could list out all my wrong doings, failures, inadequacies, sorrows, lost dreams & hopes or even my successes and joys. The former a very long list, the latter very short, but will save you, the reader, my tendencies to self loathing and deprecation. I will just say that my burden is heavy and I carry it alone.

Why do I share this about myself? I honestly don't know. Perhaps it is an exercise in cleansing myself so I can find the goodness in my life and the world around me. Perhaps for someone to understand me when I feel no one does or ever could. Yet another unanswered question, but I find that through these musings I can live with that.

So during this season of Thanksgiving as others rejoice and give thanks for so many wonderful things, I work through the burdens of my shroud. Through this experience, today, I can be grateful for life and breath no matter the rest.