Out of the pot before it boils

I look back at when I began this blog and see that it has been 9 months since I started the blog and posted. Consistency has never been my strong suit. It is all about grace for me today.

9 months later, my eldest son has lapsed into a world of alcohol and drugs with our entire family nearly lost from the grief and the insanity of it all. If I could just...then he would have. The life of a family dealing with a member who has an addiction of any sort, be it video games, gambling, sex, substance abuse, love, or whatever is in constant flux. Somewhat like trying to stand completely still while knee deep in the ocean with 15 foot waves crashing into and around you. Yep, that would be impossible. You get knocked over, sucked under and fighting to find the surface to gasp for just one breath of air.   That has been our life for the last 2 years. Not too terrible in the beginning, of course, but what we have experienced reminds me of the scientific experiment where you have 2 pots of water on the stove and 2 frogs. Boil one pot of water, add frog, frog jumps out. In pot 2 put frog in, boil water and frog never notices that he is being cooked. We were being cooked.

When do you let go of a child you love so deeply? Have protected and cared for? How do you let them go when you can see the trajectory of their choices? In our case, it was out by his choice, then home and out by our choice with not option of returning without some serious sobriety under his belt. Did I like this? No Did I want to leave my son on the doorstep of a shelter at almost 18? God no! But what is one to do when the child is spiraling downward, won't accept help or try to help themselves? What does a mother do when she sees her other boys either disappearing into a dark world of depression or acting out in anger? When hundred's of dollars go missing? For me, my hand was forced. I had to choose between the one who has given up on life and the 2 who haven't had a chance yet to live. I pray that I am the last mother who has to make a choice such as this as I am still trying to find the pieces of my heart that was torn to shreds that awful day in December.

The redeeming part of all this is that God had it all planned long before I was ever involved. While my precious son is still out there figuring out life on his terms, my other sons are coming home. The depression is ceasing and we are seeing some smirks and smiles again from our middle son and our little one is having many more good days than bad at school. God has blessed me with an incredible support network through our church and community. While I have not been saved from the judgement and ridicule of those who could never understand until they have walked in my shoes,  it is with the strength of my God and my loving friends and support that we no longer walk as refugees from our own grief and experience. I have been carried through the driest of deserts and though I do have my moments where grief creeps in I have found and am secure in the deep abiding love of God and friendship that I am so blessed to have. So for this evening.....It is well, with my soul.